Pastors

I have an idea. Actually, I can't take credit for this idea since it was at first, my pastor's idea. The Sunday before Vacation Bible School, during his sermon, my pastor mentioned something about Vacation Bible School that really caught my attention. He was talking about who we could invite. Who knows, maybe we could change the life of some kid who was invited. Maybe they will become pastor of a church someday all thanks to VBS and the prayers we prayed. Now why did this part of the sermon catch my attention? I was born and raised Catholic yet every Sunday, I sit in a Nazarene Church. How did I get to where I am today? When I was 9 years old, my aunt convinced me to go to Vacation Bible School at her church. I went and guess what? I had a blast and haven't left since. What if I'm one of those kids? What if I"m gonna become a pastor someday? After that, all I could think about was how I was one of those kids that was really impacted by Vacation Bible School 8 years ago.

I've been writing in journals for as long as I can remember. I have gone through phases where I just wrote how I was feeling, what I was doing, and saying Dear Diary before each entry. This one time, I wrote that I had learned about God and Jesus and that I wanted to learn more about the Lord. That was the day after VBS ended I believe.

I'm a senior this year. Scary, I know. And thanks to my old youth pastors, I'm lost in a world of careers. I'm no longer wanting to go into veterinary medicine. My sincere thanks truly does go to them because they opened my eyes. What am I gonna do with the rest of my life? I have no idea. I will go where God leads me. I just wish I could hear His voice more clearly because I'm so confused at the moment. I think I was born confused. Honestly, I don't know what to do about colleges and stuff at the moment. It all really scares me. My aunt used to always ask to make sure I didn't want to become a pastor. These days it's more like she's being my parent. She's as career picking driven as my own mother. Trust me I don't need two moms right now. She says journalism; my mom says therapist; she says teacher; my mom says nurse or maybe a lawyer. Lay off of me already. As my dad puts it: I have his genes and his family always changes from one career to the next. He doesn't stress out on me as much as they do.

I'm growing up in a very preachy environment. I'm a pastor's piano student, pastor's niece, and almost a priest's kid (Episcopal Church). Not to mention I have two youth pastor friends and two other friends going to school to become pastors. Now that I really think about it, that's a lot. Is this really what I was meant to do or am I just using it because it's there? Is it all I think about because it's all I see? These are some of the questions I have to ponder.

Of all the people I've told about the whole pastor idea, my dad is probably the most understanding. He only warns that I will be setting myself up for a life of not a whole lot of money. Money can't buy happiness is my thought though. Everyone else I've talked to just shrugs it off or tell me that it has to be a call from God. I keep looking for signs, but I can't do that all my life. I don't know what the voice of God sounds like. I can't tell if God is saying it or if I'm just talking to myself. My friend who doesn't go to church that often says I'll know the call when I get it. I'm just so lost right now.

Awhile back I took a spiritual gifts test. My three strongest were showing mercy, exhortation, and pastor/shepherding. After I took it, I told my pastor about it and he said it could be a sign, but my old youth pastor doubted it was a sign.

On August 1 of this year, we got a box in the mail from ATF; the Battlecry people basically. It was addressed to Youth Director at my address. That's really weird. I had nothing to do with it I promise. I even checked my Battlecry to make sure I wasn't listed as youth leader and I wasn't. I also asked my dad about it and he had nothing to do with it either. So I was wondering if that was a sign or something.

I have got to stop looking for signs. Looking for a yes or no answer just isn't gonna cut it. Honestly, how dense can I be? I'm like the disciples in John 4:1-38. I'm like the woman at the well. I'm not really sure if the ATF box is really a sign just as she wasn't really sure she met the Messiah.

When you can't tell God's voice from your own, you know you have problems. I have problems with that and that is the reason I ask for signs. Sometimes it's good to ask for signs, but I certainly don't want to always be testing God. While I'm not physically deaf, I sometimes wonder if I'm spiritually hard at hearing because I don't hear things as well as others say they do. Perhaps it's more about opportunities.

If it is God's will for our "youth leader" person to be a youth pastor, then God will keep giving him opportunities. Same goes for the rest of us. And I have total faith that if God doesn't wan this, then He'll pull me out of it. I'm willing to serve God any way I can and if it's through ministry, then I will do it, but that doesn't come without doubts. Darn Satan. What if I'm not good enough? What if everyone hates me? What if I really screw up? Satan needs to get out and go away.

Though if God doesn't want me in this, then why can't I stop thinking about it? In times like these, I really don't like free will. Maybe it's just on my mind because of all that I go through. But what about me caring so much? And it's practically my life.

Simon Birch is a movie about a boy who has a stunted growth and some other problems. The story is told by his best friend, who as an adult is doomed to always remember Simon who was the reason he believes in God. Simon believed God had something big planned for his life. Bigger than him. Even bigger than his church.

I love this movie. I'm constantly feeling how Simon felt. I feel as if God has big plans for me too. Even bigger than what I currently have. I just don't know what they are yet.