30 Hour Famine 2009

"When you fast, don't put on a sad face like the hypocrites. They make their faces look sad to show people they are fasting. I tell you the truth, those hypocrites already have their full reward. So when you fast, comb your hair and wash your face. Then people will not know that you are fasting, but your Father, whom you cannot see, will see you. Your Father sees what is done in secret, and he will reward you." Matthew 6:16-18

I've been thinking about this lesson a lot this week. Currently I'm reading through the book of Matthew and I think I hit this story during the right week. This weekend has been amazing! My church's youth group participated in the 30 Hour Famine. We were challenged to raise $500 and ended up raising over $800. I guess a lot of people really wanted to see our youth leader duct taped to a pole and especially wanted to throw stuff at him.

For the famine, we normally stop eating after our lunch hour at school and then break the fast at six on the Saturday evening. I have lunch at 10:30 in the morning. So I went a little over 30 hours. I'm not gonna lie; I actually had a great difficulty this year with self-control. I got home from school yesterday and thought about eating a snack, but no I couldn't. And I didn't.

Last night, we did some interesting things. We were put into three teams: Brazil, Ecuador, and Bolivia. Can you tell which team I was in? Team Ecuador! We played games to earn cards and my team only got one card, so we didn't end up winning the compassion card at the end or anything, but I think we had fun. Our theme was a Survivor type theme.

The first game we played involved blindfolds and balloons. We had one teammate blindfolded and the rest of us had to give them directions to get to the balloon. It was interesting. Then we had a three-legged race to get survival items such as a blanket and water.

After that, I think we had free time, where most of us played Rock Band. I sang some mean Eye of the Tiger. It was pretty awesome! I just didn't use my church choir singing voice. I also played drums and bass for a while.

After a while, we had to play some more survival games. The first game of this set was a river game. We had to get across the bridge with having two teammates on the bridge at all times. So two of the guys on my team carried all of us across. Kinda awkward, but hey, it worked. Unfortunately we were too slow to win, but we did better than the first team that had tried. Then we had a trivia game where we listened to a story and had to answer questions about it. My team won that one. I have to thank the two guys in my team that were giving me all the answers; way better listeners than me. At that point, I was so tired. I went to bed after playing that game.

I had to get up early today to go babysit. Curfew was midnight though. I slept in one of the Sunday school rooms though because everyone was being so loud out in the sanctuary. The ground was really hard to sleep on last night, but eventually I fell asleep. Then around 7, I woke up freezing (I hate when the heat resets at the church), so I had to go grab sweats and a sweatshirt. I finally got up in time to get ready to go babysit though.

Babysitting was fun. It was my community service project of the day since everyone else did theirs while I was babysitting. When I got home, my dad told me to eat something so I wouldn't be so cranky. He said he wouldn't tell anyone. Yeah and let that be on my guilty conscience? I don't think so. Even if he didn't tell anyone, God knows.

After babysitting, I went back to the church and then we went ice skating. A lesson learned here, if you're really hungry, don't go ice skating, it hurts. My thighs really hurt right now. Normally they don't when I go ice skating. Oh and it down poured when we left to go ice skating. It did that a few times today.

After ice skating, we came back to the church and it was nice out again for a while. We filled up water balloons for a bit getting ready for torturing our youth leader. What? He deserved it. So we did duct tape him to a pole (he looked like a mummy) and we did throw stuff at him (mostly water balloons, silly string, and whipped cream). That was so much fun!

We broke the fast with Communion. Everyone grabbed huge chunks of bread, which I didn't think was the best idea, but whatever floats their boat I guess. Maybe that's how it happened during Jesus' time. I'm really not sure on that one.

We had a nice dinner until the sky started darkening and we got a call that the tornado sirens in town were going off and there was a tornado warning issued. So most of us went into the nursery, which is the safest place in the church since we don't have a basement. But then, it was just a bad storm and nothing happened, just more down pours.

Finally we cleaned up or some people did. Some of us, were a little bit more lazy and started singing random songs in one of the Sunday school rooms. I think we were all a bit loopy from being tired and just eating and stuff. But hey, I didn't randomly start laughing in the middle of the night, so it's all good. I wasn't slap happy.

You know I heard one of the girls complaining about how they had just wasted their entire Saturday counting down for the time of food. This was her first famine. It's true that as it gets closer to the time when we break the fast, we all get a bit antsy and we count down and start really thinking about food. It kinda bugs me that she said that. We didn't waste our entire day complaining. At least I don't think we did. I didn't really complain about food except when people started talking about it. If you start thinking about it, then it's just gonna make you more hungry. Plus, we did other stuff today, not just thought about food.

In times like those we need to remember why we're doing this and think about how people who are way less fortunate than us and don't get food very often. I almost wonder if kids who are fed by World Vision get as excited about food as we did when we broke the bread tonight in Communion.

The card my team won says this: In the impoverished villages of the Amazon, food and clean water are often scarce. Schools are run-down or nonexistent. And in families that are struggling to survive, children suffer the most. They are the first to be weakened by hunger, and the first to be sickened by disease.

We are lucky to live where we do and to have what we do. 30 hours without food really isn't a big deal. Think about the kids who go longer without food. We don't need to complain about being hungry because we have food to go home to.

I was also thinking about the fact that this was my 4th 30 Hour Famine in high school as well as probably my last. Geez, I'm getting closer to graduating everyday and that really makes me feel sad. I have been involved in youth group for about 9 years, as long as I've been going to this church because us older kids have always stuck together (our pastor says we're our own peer group) and never really went with the kids except to help. I might get really emotional later on. It's really cool that I got to be involved in the 30 Hour Famine all these times. That's 120 hours that I've gone without food before. All separate dates though and almost all different years. I have some great memories from those as well.

Youth Group = Battle Wounds

Happy Earth Day! I got made fun of saying what I'm about to say right now tonight at youth group, but one of the people I follow on Twitter had a good thought about Earth Day. And I of course mention this to my youth group and a few people start making fun of Twitter and calling it mean names. I like Twitter though. Anyways, one of the people I follow on Twitter gave the verse Genesis 1:1. Does anyone ever think about how the earth is actually God's creation on Earth Day? Does anyone ever celebrate the creation God made?

We didn't get much reaction out of that. People tend to just think about the 3 R's on Earth Day: reduce, reuse, and recycle. But I think we should celebrate and thank God for giving us this place to live. We still also need to take care of it because I think that's what God wants us to do. We can't just trash this present that God has given us.

So what do you think about my picture? Do you need an explanation besides my title? That's my knee. I skinned it playing a game in youth group tonight. Tonight was the funnest time I've had in youth group in a while I think. I'm not saying that I don't like what we talk about normally. Normally we do a parable and I like learning about the parables and usually it's very interesting and informative. Youth group isn't all fun and games, but it also isn't serious all the time. I'm glad we had this chance to do some really fun games tonight.

At first, we split into two teams: boys vs. girls. Nothing wrong with that except the girls sadly outnumbered the guys by a lot. In the first game, I volunteered myself (actually no wait, my team volunteered me) to do it. They put a shower cap on me and safety goggles. Sound dangerous yet? Then they duct taped the shower cap with the sticky part sticking out. They gave each person a straw. No, not spitballs. Gross! Instead they gave them q-tips. You take the q-tip, stick it in the straw, and blow. My team couldn't step on the mat that we had to protect the floor and I could move any which way as long as I stayed sitting on my chair. For being girls, they did a lot better than the guys (but I heard the guys cheated too). They got 66 q-tips on my head. I'm really glad I had safety goggles on because it would have been rather dangerous without them.

The second game we played, we went outside. It was kinda chilly. We were given coffee pots and inside the coffee pots were frozen blocks of ice with a t-shirt in it. The goal is to get the t-shirt out and put it on. We played that game at our 30 Hour Famine last year. Yeah, it was interesting. The guys won this game tonight. Us girls, we were kinda wimpy. What? It was cold and a chunk of ice and we didn't have gloves or coats on. Ok, it was probably in the 40s, but still that's kinda cold.

The third game we played involved pantyhose and flour. Four of us (once again I was involved, but only because the girl who was gonna do it saw what was going on and didn't want to do it) took pantyhose filled with flour and put it over our faces. The goal was to grab the other person's pantyhose with yours and pull it off their head. The guys won that one too. And we got flour everywhere. I needed to get my back dusted off. I was really bad at that game and my partner got flour in her eye. I think I might have gotten flour in my hair as well.

The last game we played was paper bag limbo. We couldn't touch the ground with our knees and couldn't use our hands. Every time we got the bag, they cut it lower and lower. It was really hard. Of course I didn't get very far because my flexibility skills are lacking. A boy and a girl ended up both winning and they got a cup of candy. It was fun seeing how they managed to get down there without touching the ground with their knees or hands. For one of the times I was in on the game, I bent to far and tripped and fell and that's how my knee got scratched up. That was my battle wound.

Overall, it was definitely a fun night. I probably didn't mention who did this with us. It was a couple of pastors at my church who travel all over the country doing illusions and really cool balloon creations. They are such awesome people. And truly kids at heart.

I don't know how much everyone else enjoyed it, but I really enjoyed the night. During the first game, people wanted to take pictures with their phones and our senior pastor's wife told them not to, but I told them to go ahead because I thought it was funny and I probably looked hilarious. If that's what will get someone to laugh, then so be it. I hope that picture makes them laugh. Tonight as one of the pastors said, I was just being a good sport with all the games. I'm not used to having so many games in one night, so why not take advantage of the time I do have to play these games? After all, I'm not gonna be in youth group much longer. After about 9 years of being in youth group and I'm done this year. That makes me sad, so I'm just enjoying youth group right now while I still have time left in it.

Immanuel

I apologize if I sounded a bit too preachy yesterday. I didn't mean to sound like Jonathan Edwards with a Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God tone. That is one intense sermon if you have never read it. We studied it either last year or the year before in my English class.

I think I have a theme going this week. It happens. A few weeks ago, my these was silence. I think I wrote two or three blogs about silence. It was one of my pastor's sermons that just stuck to me like superglue. The same is true for this week it seems. I'm stuck on this topic of being alone.

I got a new Bible on Sunday. It's the New Century Version and it's a lot different from other Bibles I have had. Well ok, the layout of this Bible is different because it's not like a book. It's actually in the format of a magazine. It's called a Biblezine. It's pretty cool. It has the complete New Testament. And I'm gonna try reading through it completely.

So last night before going to bed, I read Matthew 1. And something struck me while reading it. This was something that had never struck me before. I mean I know the story of Jesus and how he comes into this world, but that's not what struck me.

Jesus' name was what struck me. The prophet said that they would name him Immanuel, which means "God is with us."

That's really cool! I've never thought about that before. Ok, I probably have, but I doubt it ever really impacted me this much before.

God is with us. He will never leave us. It is impossible for God to leave you stranded. We're not alone!

If you ask me, that's wonderful news!

Are you all alone?

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Are you all alone?

If you say yes, I'm automatically gonna say that you're wrong. It's not a matter of me being bigger, stronger, or older than you. It's not even a matter of if I'm right and you're wrong. The fact is if you say you're all alone, you're wrong. It's the true matter here.

You're not all alone. But I don't have any friends. But I don't have a church family. But I don't belong to any particular group. But I don't have a family. I feel so unloved.

Excuses. Excuses. Excuses. I bet you have at least one friend. And I bet you won't feel so unloved once you know who that friend is. Your friend is Jesus.

No matter how alone we feel in this world, we need to realize that we do have God and we do have Jesus. But I can't see them.

So? What's your point? Did you ever feel so alone as a child that you made up a friend, an imaginary friend? I think I had an imaginary friend at one time.

But that's not my point. God isn't imaginary. You can't see Him, but look at the earth. I know God exists because of how complex everything is. Look at us. I know some of the theories say we came from single cell organisms or something. We're way more complicated than those organisms. It's absolutely amazing.

Do you ever feel lonely? Boy do I. There's this song that I've been listening to on repeat for a few hours now (what? It's an amazing song) and I think you should check it out. It's called Call Unto Me and it's by Phil Joel.

It's written from God's point of view. Basically God is telling us that everything is going to be ok. We're not in this world all alone. God has a plan for everything, so don't worry so much.

I think we should all follow what Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says. This was our theme verse yesterday at church. Do you wanna be the one all alone? Or do you wanna have two? I think you do need two to tango.

So if you go to church and think your church family doesn't care about you, think again. All you church people, we need to come together as a team. We can't do the tango by ourselves.

Growing, serving, reaching together as followers of Jesus Christ.

I know I said talked about this yesterday and how it's my church's mission statement, but I absolutely love it. It's really cool and it's really what we need to be accomplishing here.

So are you all alone?

If you say yes, I think you need to go read this blog all over again because I don't think you got the point of it. No matter how alone we feel sometimes, I can guarantee that we're not alone in this world and everything will be ok.

School Shootings

Today marks a significant day in history. On this day in 1999, the Columbine shootings happened. That was 10 years ago.

10 years ago, I was 8 years old. I don't really remember this day and what I did on this day that time ago. I was just kinda clueless about everything that may have been happening. I felt the say way about 9/11.

But as I've gotten older, dates like today have become more important to me. They're a lot more sentimental to me than they used to be.

My school hasn't had any school shootings in recent years. We've come close to them though. For instance, in middle school, a boy a year behind me in school, threw an antique gun through one of the windows at the school. Back in the 90s, a teacher actually shot and killed the school superintendent and wounded two other people. He's now serving life in prison I believe. There have deaths from car accidents and suicides. There was a mercury spill when I was a sophomore. Oh yeah and a mental patient put us in lockdown on the first day of school this year.

I'm glad we haven't had any school shootings. They're really hard to deal with I imagine. I was reading last week about how the people who went to Columbine those years are still affected by it. It's really sad.

And apparently today is some drug day. I'm not sure what. I don't do drugs, so obviously I don't know what the day is all about, which is probably the best thing. Stay in school and stay drug free. I do get high occasionally, but I'm high on life, not drugs.

And she was all like...

I have a problem. That's the first step right? Admitting I have a problem. But I bet I'm probably not the only one who has this problem.

We were talking yesterday in Sunday school about how if I'm going to become an English teacher, I need to stop saying "like" all the time. Does anyone else have this problem?

By talking about the problem yesterday, we all tried not to use "like" unless we were saying that we actually liked something. It's really hard and I think we're so used to saying it that we just don't notice it. So all during church, I was working on not using that word.

It's a habit. And while it's not a really bad habit, it's still a habit.

We had a Sunday school teacher one time who actually tried to get us to stop using that word the wrong way, but as you can see that hasn't helped much. I still remember her trying to get us to stop though.

It's really easy to use the word "like" the wrong way. We use it to substitute things all the time. I was like that's totally crazy. She was all like crazy and stuff.

No, we need to stop substituting words. And I said that's totally crazy. She was acting really crazy and stuff. See? I know it's a lot more words to say or type, but it's better English. Sometimes though, it seems as if you'll say something the proper way, but it doesn't sound right to you if you don't use "like."

I'm challenging myself right now to not use "like" as much. I'm definitely a lot more conscious of how I use it since we were discussing it yesterday.

Team Day 2009

Team Day! Lunch! Team Day!

I belong to a few teams. But they're not sports teams. Well I guess we could have a sports team within this team if we really wanted to. There used to be a softball team in summer some of us participated in. But no, we're not specifically a sports team.

So today, I wasn't celebrating my favorite sports' teams. I was celebrating the team I'm in. I was celebrating my church's team. That's the team I'm in.

Today at church we had Team Day. Now what exactly is team day? It's when we present all of our ministries that we have at the church and ask people to join.

There is no I in team (a popular saying), but there is a me (that's an add-on right there). There may be a me, but as I was thinking during the sermon, there is also a mate. You can't be a team by yourself. You have to have at least one other person I would think.

But being in a church, I think we should have more than just two members to a team. We need to come together for a bigger cause.

The other team I'm on within the church is the youth group team. Yeah youth group!!!! You gotta have teamwork to be in youth group I would think.

Take this for instance, next week, the youth group at my church is having their 30 Hour Famine. Our youth leader challenged us to raise $500. For every dollar we raise, we get a foot of duct tape. Can you see where this is going? We're also gonna take a pole and with this pole and duct tape, we're going to tape our youth leader to it. Then we're going to throw stuff at him like pie or something. So yeah, we have a team of people raising money not only to feed hungry children (because that's where the money goes), but also to get to $500, so they have payback or revenge on the youth leader. It will be an interesting weekend.

A few weeks back, our pastor asked the teens to come up with some ways to show the congregation team day. So two guys came up with a song and that's where the first words of this blog come from. They made a video and showed it for a few weeks. It's pretty funny.

And my picture, is of something I got for going to church today. That's right, I got a cup. But not just any cup, a cup with my church's name, logo, and mission statement on it.

Growing, serving, reaching together as followers of Jesus Christ.

Yeah, we definitely can't do that by ourselves. We need a team. I'm glad to belong in my church's team!

Somebody sat on me again

Movie trivia time. My title is a quote from a movie. Do you know what movie it's from?

No, not from The Little Mermaid. It's not from Sleeping Beauty or Snow White. It's not from Beauty and the Beast. But if you're thinking of some of these movies, then you're on the right track. It wasn't from Enchanted either.

Have you figured out my theme yet? Disney and princesses. But have you figured out what movie the quote is from?

Ok, I guess I'll tell you. It's from The Princess Diaries.

Now I'll get back to that in a second, but first I gotta ask a question. Have you ever felt like you were invisible? Like no one could see you and you were all alone?

I know there are sometimes when we just wish we could disappear. Sometimes I wish I had an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter. But I'm not talking about those times when you want to disappear.

I'm talking about the times when you feel like everyone around you is ignoring you. Sure, we are not supposed to be the center of attention. I get that. But it kinda bugs me when I'm talking to some friends and someone comes up and starts talking to them and completely ignores me.

This happened to me the other day actually. I was talking to some friends before class and these guys came up asking if my friends were going to some concert that was going on and completely ignored me.

Last year, a friend and I wanted to try an experiment to see what people would think if I taped a piece of paper on my shirt that said that I was invisible. It was actually just a joke so we never actually did it.

Oh, I have another situation I was in as well. In my math class, my teacher had us work in groups. I was with 3 kids who are a year younger than me. This is where my blog idea actually came from. They completely ignored me and didn't ask me if I understood any of what we were talking about; they just expected me to know what I was doing.

Feeling invisible really hurts sometimes. I'm glad that no one has sat on me yet though.

Like Mia from the Princess Diaries, I have felt invisible. Over the last couple of days, I have come to realize that I actually don't mind feeling invisible even though it can really hurt. That hurt doesn't last a lifetime though, which I'm thankful for.

There is one more similarity that I have with Mia. Both of us are princesses. I know her story is completely fictional with a fictional land to rule over, but my story isn't fictional at all.

I'm a princess. My Father is the King of kings.

All of us are princesses or princes (can't forget the guys) because our Father is the King of kings.

Pretty cool thought, huh? Being invisible shouldn't matter to us. Maybe we feel all alone and like no one can see us because they obviously don't acknowledge us. But God can see us and God is with us and promises to never leave us. So really we're not alone as much as we might feel like we are.

Thinking about how I'm a princess makes me smile. I love it! God is so amazing!!!

Jenga, anyone?

Over the last, I don't know how many months, but a few months, we've been talking about parables in youth group. We do a different parable every week it seems. Sometimes we do them in groups. Basically we have been talking about parables and what they tell us about God. The question of the week almost always is what does this tell us about God?

This week we read Matthew 13:24-30,36-43, which is The Parable of the Weeds and The Parable of the Weeds Explained. Now I'm gonna give you part of the explanation, but if you want the whole thing, you're gonna have to go read Matthew 13:24-30, 36-43 for yourself.

He answered, "The one who sowed the good seed is the Son of Man. The field is the world, and the good seed stands for the sons of the kingdom. The weeds are the sons of the evil one, and the enemy who sows them is the devil. The harvest is the end of the age, and the harvesters are angles. As the weeds are pulled up and burned in the fire, so it will be at the end of the age. The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil. they will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. He who has ears, let him hear." Matthew 13:37-43

Ok so that's the explanation. Now our pastor yesterday asked us to describe what Jesus explained in our own words. There were several arguments as there always are between the usual people, but it keeps the discussion going.

The Kingdom of Heaven is like...

Jenga! You know the game?

I was hardly listening to the arguments yesterday. I was actually really thinking about what the explanation meant. And then the game Jenga popped into my head.

For those that don't know what Jenga is, I'll explain to the best of my ability. It's a game where you have these blocks that are stacked up and you are trying to remove the blocks from the stack without collapsing the structure. If you pull the wrong block, you'll cause the whole thing to tumble and then you lose.

I guess I should probably explain a little more before getting into my Jenga analogy. We were talking about why God hasn't struck down the bad people of this world already. You know if He did, I think everyone would be dead. We all do bad things sometimes in our lives. We're all born with original sin.

Jesus explains that at the end of the time, the weeds will be pulled. But this won't happen until the harvest because if the weeds are pulled too soon, the wheat may come up with them.

Bad people can become good people. You don't have to agree with that, but it's how I see it. We have good and evil in this world. It's your choice to follow what you want to follow. Some good people turn evil and some bad people turn good.

Now you might understand a little more with where Jenga is coming from. If you pull a certain block from the structure too soon, you may cause the whole thing to tumble. If you pull the weeds too soon, you might pull the good stuff with it.

If you don't give a person a chance now, you may never know what good they have. In the end, those that have come to the Lord will be saved and unfortunately those who either turned away or never got a chance will be burned.

I don't know about you, but I think we need to give everyone a chance because I don't think God wants all those people to be burned. And who wants to spend eternity in a burning underground place that doesn't serve breakfast?

Can I get a word in?

I've been thinking about this for a while, but I didn't think I would ever write it out until I had a conversation with a very good friend of mine yesterday. Now mind you, he doesn't know that he set me off on this, but he did bring this idea back to my attention. Now I know that Lent is over and I can complain all I want about youth group, but the fact is, I don't want to complain about it, and this blog is definitely not meant to be a complaint towards it.

Yesterday we were discussing youth group and some of the complaints he has about it. I had a lot of the same complaints a few months ago before I just became content with it. Particularly, we talked about Wednesday night discussions in youth group.

It always seems to me like there are 3 or 4 people who talk the most during youth group on Wednesday nights. Usually it's a few of the pastor's kids. Nothing wrong with that though. Sometimes I wonder though, can I get a word in?

Sometimes I feel like I'm going over their heads with what I'm saying and I don't want to say something. But sometimes, I also feel as if I can't get a word in because there is too much arguing going on between the 3 or 4 usual talkers.

From my experience, the 3 or 4 usual talkers are the only talkers really. I like to listen, but sometimes I also like to add in bit and pieces. People a lot of the time say I'm a good listener, but I do like to talk. I just sometimes choose to just listen than get into the arguments.

Though if we didn't have the 3-4 usual talkers, would we have any youth group discussion at all?

I think if these people decided to just stop talking then others would feel the need to join the discussion more especially the newer kids. I'll bet the newer kids don't want to say anything because they're afraid that they might say the wrong thing. Our usual talkers are well experienced and they grew up in church. Not all the kids in youth group grew up in church though.

I wonder what would happen if these people didn't show up or just decided to let others talk. I know one thing for sure, if we didn't have people talking, we wouldn't have much of a youth group discussion. So I guess I'm glad for the talkers that we do have.

But still, sometimes I gotta wonder, can I get a word in? Can I just add something? Can I just say something without an argument starting? Can I just say something without getting into a debate?

I think a lot of people in my youth group may share this similar feeling. I know my one friend feels this way. And as for the newer kids, I'd say don't worry about what the rest of us think of something you say. Don't be afraid to add to the conversation.

What do dead people do? Nothing. They don't talk or do anything. They just sit there. They're lifeless. What are we? We are living. We don't have a room full of dead people now do we? We have a room full of the living and breathing. We should all participate in the discussion even if it's just in something small like an agreement with another person.

Here today...gone tomorrow

If you were reading my blog about my purity ring, then you know I was looking through some of my journals yesterday. I was mostly looking at Easter over the past couple of years, but then I found today's date. Something very tragic happened on this date 3 years ago.

Helicopter | Apr 13 2006 5:35 PM

My day was going pretty well today until about a half an hour ago. A helicopter with two people that I knew crashed and the two men died. One of them was the chief of police and the other gave two of my friends and I a helicopter ride in October. It's really sad. My uncle was very good friends with both of them and he's really upset about it. I would really like to know what God has in store for us next. Although I'm not mad at God for this, I really would like to know why this happened.

This comes from my Battlecry blog. I'm taking a trip down memory lane tonight. Going all the way back to freshman year. Oh, such a good year, but towards the end, I had some issues and April was the month where my troubles started. But this wasn't one of the troubles.

Recently I heard about a youth pastor in Indiana who was in two of my friend's classes at Nazarene Bible College. He and his 9 year old son were killed when he fell asleep at the wheel and his truck went into a creek.

I didn't even know the guy, but this story really upsets me. Reading the story last night made me want to cry. When I was a freshman and just found out about this helicopter crash, I didn't cry, but as the years have passed, it seems to mean a lot more to me than it ever has. It's the same thing with 9/11. When that happened, I was in 5th grade and I guess it didn't understand it, but when we watched a tribute to it this year in government class I think it was, I wanted to cry. It really upset me.

That blog up there says that I got to ride in the same helicopter that crashed a few months before it had crashed. It could have been me in that helicopter and that will forever scare me. It could have been me or my friends, but it wasn't and somehow even though I feel like I shouldn't see it this way, but I'm really thankful for that.

Today it was really windy outside. It's just another reminder of how that helicopter crash happened. It was really windy that day back in 2006. It was a reason why those two men shouldn't have been in the helicopter.

Life is so precious. Sometimes we take life for granted. Sometimes we take people for granted.

What if you only had 30 days to live? How would you spend those 30 days? My neighbor and I were talking about this yesterday. I think the main idea I get out of this is that the way we would live those 30 days is the way we should live our entire life.

We should live like there's no tomorrow serving God and doing His will. And we don't need to worry about tomorrow because as the Bible says, tomorrow has its own worries.

Stop taking life for granted. Stop taking people for granted. You never know when people might leave. They may be here today, but gone tomorrow.

Want the key to my heart?

If you want the key to my heart, you have to go through Christ. There is a saying that goes like this: A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her.

I really like that saying.

As you can see by that picture, it's a hand with a ring on it. Actually it's a left hand with a purity ring on the ring finger. And that's not just some random hand I found on the internet. That is actually my hand.

Now let me take you to someplace different for a second, but I promise we'll get back to my purity ring. I love reading my journals. I like to go through and see how much I've grown through the year, so I decided to take a trip down memory lane and look at what we did for Easter two years ago and even a year ago. I stumbled upon today's date from 2007. It was a Friday. Wow, a Friday the 13th. It was the day before I went to Battlecry for my second time. But I also wrote about a significant day in my life. The day I got my purity ring. It's interesting that I found it yesterday because I was looking for that entry a few months ago. Funny how that happens like that. Anyways, here's what I said in my journal:

I got my purity ring today. I'm wearing it on my left ring finger and it has a heart and a cross with a key going through both. It's cool.

To me, it feels pretty amazing that I have been wearing this ring for two years now. I do take it off sometimes, but not for long because my finger gets separation anxiety from not wearing it or something.

Purity is something I keep very close to my heart. It's so important to me. And the way my ring tells its story like the saying I have up there, I want that to be how my husband finds me. That may sound cheesy, but it's not a bad idea. God is the one who came up with this idea of being married, of being one. So I think we need to be lost in Him just to be found by another person who is so deeply lost in God. God will guide our paths.

I also really love these two sayings:

Dance with God...He'll let the perfect man cut in.

No boy is worth crying over. And the one that is won't make you cry.

That last one gets me really thinking deeply. It's so hard to think about too, but really cool. Both sayings are awesome!

The End of Another Lent (A Lenten Review)

Happy Easter! Merry Easter! However you say it. Feliz Easter! I don't know. I just thought I would add that one in.

Today was so busy once again. Church breakfast, choir during church, family festivities, etc. It was just so busy even though I didn't really do anything this afternoon, but I'm still so tired. One thing I don't like about Easter is that I always eat way too much. I think I need to go on a diet now. I'm so full from breakfast and dinner tonight. I think I may be in a food coma.

This morning I got up and went downstairs to find no Easter candy on the table. The answer I got later while leaving for church was that the Easter bunny couldn't come because there was no basket sitting on the table, so I got a basket and then the Easter bunny magically came while I was at church. It was amazing!

Ok, not really. I enjoy the Easter candy and stuff, but I feel like the Easter bunny has lost something with me like April Fools Day has. It's just not that special anymore. Easter still is a very special day though because He is risen! He is risen indeed! I really enjoy saying that.

Today marks the end of another Lent as we celebrate it anyways. I don't really want Lent to be over though. I gave up complaining about youth group. And I very well may be saying that Lent was my crutch, but I'm so afraid now that I'm gonna start complaining about youth group uncontrollably. I feel so free right now. That's not a good feeling.

It was my commitment and now my goal is to finish out the youth group year well and not complaining to anyone, but God because God is the only one that should really have to listen to our complaints. The other day my youth leader told me I could tell him my complaints about youth group and at the time I didn't have any. I still don't have any. I know that youth group could be better, but I'm content with where we are right now.

You know this could really be a lesson to us all that gave up stuff like complaining. Just because Lent is over doesn't mean you should quit what you've given up especially if what you gave up was a bad habit. We need to work on these things all the time.

We need to have some self-control and faith in ourselves that we can do it.

I think I only slipped up maybe twice during all of Lent. I was feeling jealous a few times of other youth groups and what they got to do versus what this youth group gets to do. I have come to realize that what other youth groups do don't matter. I can't judge them. God is supposed to be the judge. I love the youth group I go to. The people are amazing and we always have fun and they always cheer me up when I'm down. I hope to be able to continue my no complaining about youth group for the rest of the year.

And next year, if they're still dating, I hope to give up complaining about my brother and his girlfriend. I could give this up right now, but I don't think I have enough self-control to do that. And don't even get me started on them making out in my car while I was driving. Actually don't get me started at all. But it might not be so difficult next year when I'm away from home. Maybe I should try giving it up right now. I should just go up a level in not complaining apparently.

Do you need to be resurrected?

He is risen! He is risen indeed!

I never get tired of hearing that at church.

Today at church, we talked about being in need of a resurrection. Our pastor's sermon was short, simple, and to the point because of the choir performance (we were all standing there wishing we could sit down).

What do you need in order to have a resurrection?

A body. Ok, more like a dead body. This could mean spiritual or physical. Jesus died as we all know for our sins on the cross. That was his physical body.

But today I want to ask, are any of you feeling dead? Maybe, like me, you're feeling dead tired from all the festivities or just from the weekend or week. Maybe you're dying of hunger because you haven't eaten in a while. Maybe your marriage is dead and someone might start filing those papers soon. Or maybe you're relationship with God is dead.

Just as Christ was resurrected, we need to be resurrected today. Now we have our bodies right? But we need something else. We need to be willing to be resurrected today.

He is risen! And we can be risen too if we allow ourselves to be!

Appreciate what you do have

Yesterday was an extremely busy day for me. I got up and had to be at my church by 8:30, so we could leave for Flint Eastside Mission. There were seven of us: 4 girls and 3 boys. We have certain traditions when we go on trips like this. For instance, any mission trip we go on with my aunt, we have to listen to Breakfast by Newsboys. Whenever we go up to Flint, we always go to Fuddruckers for lunch. The one exception to that was when we were fasting and our youth pastor passed out, but that's a story for a different time.

On this particular trip, we were helping with their Easter dinner. I helped with getting people their drinks. It was really busy for a while, but not as bad as I would have thought. That was new to me. I had never helped serve a meal for them before.

One of the girls who was with us was talking afterwards about how seeing all these people makes her feel bad for what she has, but she also has a greater appreciation for what she has.

That's something we should all think about. Sometimes we take too much for granted, but we need to appreciate the small things that we do have.

Kill Jesus

Harsh words right? Would you expect to hear them from me? I'm the writer of this Jesus Loves You blog, so why would I dare say that? I wouldn't. I couldn't. I don't even like to think about those words. So why this title?

In my English class we just started reading a book called In The Lake of the Woods. It's by Tim O'Brien. Now if you're not familiar with this book, then let me tell you a little bit of what I have seen in it. There is a ton of swearing. Yesterday when my friend and I were looking for quotes, she quoted something with swearing in it and it made me cringe, so I asked her to change the word. Then the main character in the book once in a while gets really mad and what does he do? He says "Kill Jesus."

That makes me so mad! I can't stand him saying that. According to the book, he says it when he wants to kill something and since he can't kill anything, he just says those words. It drives me crazy! Can't stand reading those words. The swear words are bad enough.

But you know, this is the perfect week to start reading this book. Now why would I say that? What is today? Good Friday. I've been thinking about this phrase the main character has been saying (notice how I don't like writing it) all week.

Isn't it true that when Jesus was sentenced to be crucified that the people were shouting this phrase? Well, ok, they were shouting "Crucify him!" But crucifying someone is killing them by hanging them on a cross. The way they die is actually be suffocation. It is so painful for them to lift themselves up while nailed to the cross that they actually suffocate as their chest collapses.

On this day so long ago, Jesus was crucified, which is what everyone wanted even God. While the people all wanted him dead for the wrong reason, God had the plan. Jesus saved us from our sins on this day by doing God's will and dying for all of us.

This phrase "kill Jesus" upsets me. I know a lot of people who are upset by it actually. It just makes me so mad. You can really mess with me in a lot of different ways, but when you mess with my Jesus, something snaps in my brain. Jesus died to save us from our sins. You can't kill Jesus. He died for our sins, but rose again on the third day when we celebrate Easter. And Jesus has promised to come back again someday.

Though knowing God's plan all along from reading the Bible and agreeing with the plan and for the right reasons, could we join in on the shouts of crucify Jesus? The main character in this book I'm reading I know was saying those words for the wrong reason. Too much anger. I don't want to shout crucify Jesus. It's history and now we look forward to His coming again.

But also with this, I look forward to Sunday!

Are you even listening to me?

I thought about this during Precalc today while I wasn't really paying attention. Oh so that's why I had difficulty with the homework. Hey, it's the last hour of the day, so yeah, my mind likes to wander. Actually I stare off into space all the time particularly in band first thing in the morning. But this is not even close to the point I was gonna make.

I was thinking about the title of this. It has to do with the blog I wrote the other day about silence and listening for God.

This is the idea that got put in my head and while it's not hard for me to imagine, it might be a little difficult for you to imagine, but just bear with me.

When I was younger and didn't want to listen to my little brother being annoying or whatever, I would put my hands over my ears and start saying: lalalalalalalalalala. It would get to the point of him getting really annoyed with me. Can you imagine two siblings doing that to each other?

Sometimes I wonder if God feels like how my brother felt about me. Are you even listening to me? Sometimes I wonder if God is thinking that.

Are you covering your ears from God? Are you afraid to hear what He has to say? Are you afraid of His will for you? Well the Bible has news for you.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

What are you so afraid of? I think you have far many more things to be concerned about than what God has to say to you. And at that, you should lift up those concerns to God because He promises to take care of us.

Don't cover your ears from God. You might miss something really cool. Don't ignore God.

Don't be like those little kids trying to ignore other kids. They might not have anything good to say, but I think God has a lot of good things to say to all of us.

Wise words from a wise old man

I was wondering if I could share a letter written to my cousins and me from our grandfather. I received this letter I think on Saturday, but didn't notice it until yesterday when my parents mentioned it. So I opened it and read it. It means a lot to me that my grandfather would take time to write to us. So here is what he has to say:

Dear PJ, Emma, and Chelsea...

All three of you are in the midst of trying to figure out who you are and what you want to be. The Old Man from Arizona, aka Grandpa Ernie, has just a few words on that subject.

First, in choosing a major in college or a career field, you need to keep in mind, bad news maybe, that you will probably change careers a couple, three, or more times in your lifetime. The important thing right now is to get into something that will permit you to make enough money to survive on your own or with someone else once you get hooked up. For a lot of us, grandparents and parents, we spent a good part of our lives just making money for ourselves and family. So that is first priority.

Second, no matter what career, occupation, or job you get into, it is important to take pride in what you do. Let me tell you a story. When your Grandmother Cynthia and I bought a house in Littleton, Colorado, it had an unfinished basement. At that time the family consisted of Hilary, Lisa, and Bill. About a year after we bought the house, we wanted to get the basement finished. So I hired a guy to build a dividing wall. He put up 2x4s and then dry-walled. When I came home from work that night, he was just leaving. He stopped and came over to me. "Mr. Stech, you need to see the new wall." He took me down to the basement and had me sight down the wall to see how straight it was. Then he took my hand and ran it over the seams between the drywall sections. Absolutely smooth. "Isn't that great!" he said. Here was a person who took great pride in what he did and what he had done. That's important.

Third, I believe that everyone has a mission in life, sometimes called soul work. Unfortunately we don't all get to do our soul work in order to make money and survive. But you can always find ways to perform your mission in life evenings and weekends and during vacations. The trick to figuring out your soul work is to let it come to you. Actively thinking about it and seeking it don't work.

Fourth, there are a lot of ways to be successful. Success should never be measured by income or size of house or kind of car or any other material possession (particularly the number of electronic gadgets you own!). We own two houses in Arizona, both small. Several people have commented on how small they are. At first that bothered me but then I realized that they are perfect for us-and they allow us to have warm winters and cool summers with sunshine most of the time, winter and summer. Success can be in how you treat people and how they respond. It can be in the way you work, and the kinds of projects, programs, and outcomes you get. It can be the legacy you leave when you do things for people. For each of us there is a different way of being successful.

Finally, and I know this is silly and won't really make much difference to you right now, but don't get overly anxious about what you are going to be and do. It will come. Enjoy, as much as you can, where you are and with whom you are. And, by the way, old age is the best time of life!

Grandpa Ernie

Can you hear me now?

Yesterday was Palm Sunday. This was the day that Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a doinkey colt. Whoops! I mean Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey colt. Can you imagine all the people shouting as he rode into town? I have a picture in my head of that.

Can you imagine yourself in that picture with all sorts of shouting all around you? Can you imagine yourself in just a crowd of people anywhere? Let's take this down a level. Can you imagine yourself sitting in your room with headphones on and blaring music playing out of those headphones?

While I can imagine all those things, the one I can most relate to is sitting in my room with headphones on and blaring music coming from my mp3 player or my computer.

Now can you imagine silence? Does the idea of silence scare you? Does it seem like an uncomfortable idea to you?

It was uncomfortable to me yesterday when the first part of the sermon started out with silence and a powerpoint about silence.

If you ask me, silence is kinda an unsettling idea. I find it almost eerie to be in complete silence. Why? I'm around so much sound that I'm not used to the idea of silence unless I'm asleep.

The problem with being around too much sound all the time is that you may not know what God is saying to you. You might say to God with headphones on, yeah I'm listening God, but are you really hearing what He's saying to you?

My pastor used a different example yesterday in his sermon, but when I was thinking about writing this, I thought of the Verizon commercials.

Can you hear me now? I think God may be asking this to some of us today.

For no known reason yesterday after getting home from church, I decided not to listen to my music. It really opened my ears. I was hearing things that I had never heard before. It had me almost eavesdropping on my brother. What? He was making weird noises and I heard more than one pair of feet run down the stairs. I don't even want to know what he and possibly his girlfriend were doing upstairs yesterday.

Today I also decided to take a little bit of silence. It wasn't that hard yesterday, but it has been really challenging today and I have listened to some music today, but in order to really think about this blog, I just had to turn off the music.

Sometimes we just need to sit in silence and really listen for God. We need to tell God what Eli told Samuel to say. We need to say to God, "Speak, for your servant is listening." And we really need to listen.

Don't go pretending you're listening. You know, like putting sunglasses over your eyes to hide the fact that you're really sleeping. Yeah, God can see right through that.

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. Have you ever seen that on a shirt or heard it somewhere? Sometimes I wonder if God just wants to put duct tape on our mouths to shut us up and make us listen.

That wouldn't be a bad thing for me. All I seem to do during prayer is talk to God. I'm not saying you're not supposed to talk during prayer to God, but talking should not take up the whole prayer time. Talking is only half of prayer. Listening is the other half and if not half, it should be most of it.

We should know this is a bad thing when I know that I should be listening, but I'm talking a mile a minute. Right now I can imagine that. And while I'm talking a mile a minute, I imagine God waving His hand in front of my face trying to get me to stop talking. Can you hear me now?

Last night, I couldn't seem to shut up. I couldn't even turn my mind off. As usual, it was running a mile a minute as well. So when I said to God that I was going to shut up and just listen, I had a really hard time with that.

Listening is a skill that I apparently don't have right now very well. At least it's not very disciplined. And getting my ears flushed out hasn't really helped. But Rome was not built in a day. So I must have faith and continue practicing this listening skill and telling my mind to stop thinking and just listen.

What is God trying to tell you today? Can you hear Him? Clogged ears might be a physical problem, but it probably isn't your spiritual problem. Can you hear God now?

Too honest?

I've been thinking a lot today about honesty. And I'm wondering, is it possible to be too honest?

I'm a real law abiding citizen. I don't break the law. I don't break rules. I don't even like the idea of breaking rules or laws. And I'm a super honest person.

Take my English class for example. I got the bonus question on a quiz wrong, but my teacher marked it as correct. When I got that quiz back, I started complaining about it and she asked why I was complaining. So I told her I got that point and I didn't deserve it, so you know what she did? She just let me keep the point.

Sometimes I feel like I'm too honest for my own good. I told my friend David the other day to be careful what he says because he may never know who is paying the most attention to the little details he mentions in conversations. I have learned this lesson this week too. I have got to be more careful about what I set my Twitter status as because who knows who could be paying attention to it.

Yesterday, I was mad at myself for being way too honest about how I was feeling and making myself feel bad about a blog I wrote the other day. Then I got asked why I was feeling the way I was feeling. And I couldn't just say I was ranting about youth group. I had to be my completely honest self and tell how I was feeling, which made me feel worse when I had someone read the blog. Why? Because that blog is full of my complete honesty of how I've been feeling (that kinda sounds really selfish to me right now, sorry) and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Probably the number one reason, I hide feelings is because I don't want to hurt people. I fear hurting people's feelings. That is the truth.

Sometimes I really hate being too honest, but I can't help it. I guess it's just one of those things I have a knack for. And it's so annoying sometimes.

It must be April

I thought this around noon today. A siren went off in town. Sometimes I forget that our tornado warning siren goes off from April through September or October.

I actually argued with myself about it until I remembered April of my 7th grade year. We had some really stormy weather at the end of April that year. One night, my dad woke me up and told me to get to the basement. We had to stay down there for a while. Then the next day at school, I was in my second to last hour class taking a math test and it kept getting really dark out. At one point, the sky turned green and my teacher had to close the blinds so we would concentrate on the test. Then our principal came over the speaker and told us to get into the hall. We had to sit there in the hallway for a long time. It was scary especially when the power went out.

That was something I have never wanted to experience again. At least we only had to sit against the wall and lockers and not in that really uncomfortable position they make us do for the drills.

I'm glad we have this warning system that goes off on the first Saturday of every month throughout spring and summer. Can you imagine the chaos there might be if we didn't have this warning system? It definitely keeps us aware of the potential danger we could be in.

A normal spring break

Check him out! This is a beautiful gray and white lion in his natural habitat.
So we have already learned about my normal spring breaks full of torture and pain. But now I'm gonna tell you what I used to do during spring break when I got bored.

My family doesn't go on vacation on spring break. We actually can't go on vacation during spring break. Do you see those flowers up there? That's exactly why we don't go on vacation during spring break. My mom is busy at work taking care of all sorts of plants.

My house is a little different from other houses. Well, so is my backyard. I don't really have a backyard during the summertime. There's a pool, but it takes up a lot of space. But you know what takes up a lot more space than just a pool? Four greenhouses. That's right. I have four greenhouses in my backyard. Plus the back of my house is slanted with windows running down the slant because my mom starts plants in our basement.

I don't actually have to go on vacation during spring break. I could probably get a tan sitting in the back room of my house where it gets really warm on sunny days. I could also go hang out in the greenhouses and stay warm.

When I was younger and didn't care about getting dirty, I would go out and help my mom transplant when I got bored during spring break. I have since been promoted to working at market and helping around the house in other ways. Our elderly neighbor, my adopted grandmother, Judy, has taken my place as transplanter.

I do miss those days. This week, I spent some time out there in the greenhouses just hanging out and as you can see, taking pictures with my cat, Max. Max adores those grasses. It makes him feel like a jungle cat. He is also a great cat to have for the business because he's so gentle with the smallest of kids who come to buy flowers with their parents. He also likes to follow people around. I think he got into one or two people's cars before as well.

Spring Break of Torture

I never seem to have a normal spring break. There always seems to be something that happens to me that is painful. Well, ok, that has only happened twice I think. My sophomore year and this year.

During my sophomore spring break, I was supposed to have an appointment to talk to the oral surgeon about my wisdom teeth. We had that on the Wednesday and we told them that I didn't want to miss much school, so they said, why not do it tomorrow? So I got my wisdom teeth out on a Thursday during spring break. I must say, it wasn't that bad. Unfortunately I didn't puff up like a chipmunk, which made me sad. I wanted to take a picture of that. And I only took the Vicodin twice. I've been dealing with oral surgery stuff since I was a little, little kid. So it just felt like I had gotten a few fillings. One thing I regret doing during that recovery process though was going shopping. Never ever do that when you are recovering.

Now if you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen that on Wednesday, I had a fun trip to the doctor. This trip to the doctor was meant to talk about my acne and do a biopsy of something on my neck. We ended up killing five birds with one stone though. And I ended up freaking someone out by how I set my status on Twitter. I got my meningitis vaccination (oh the stuff I do for college), got my TB test (once again, college), got my biopsy done, talked about what to do for my acne, and as an added bonus, got my ears flushed out. The meningitis shot hurt a lot; that needle was very long, but my mom told me not to look. The TB test was short and I have good news, I don't have TB, but my arm is bruised where I got that done. The biopsy hurt when my doctor numbed it, but it was fine after that. Oh yeah and now I have a black dot there, but she told me not to worry about that. I don't know what she put on it, but the black dot was something she did. My question was the same for everything: is this gonna hurt? My doctor hadn't thought about looking in my ears, but as soon as we mentioned it, she looked, and said yep, there's a lot of ear wax in there. So then she got this contraption that looked like a hoop and she scooped out the ear wax. But she didn't get all of it, so her assistants came in with a cup of half peroxide, and half warm water; a dish; and a very interesting looking syringe. Is this gonna hurt? It didn't. If you've never had this done before, it's a very weird feeling. They squirt the liquid in your ear and it feels like it explodes in your ear, but it drains out bring the ear wax with it.

So this has been one of those painful spring breaks. So now that I've explained this, we should all know that I don't meningitis or TB. You know who you are that thought I did.

A lesson I should have learned a while ago

I'm such a stubborn person. I think I always have been too even as a kid. So when I was a kid I never really listened to my parents about this lesson.

Yesterday, I was bored. So I went outside and jumped on my neighbor's trampoline. It's not really fun though unless there are other people and my neighbor's are away right now. It got me wishing that I had someone to play with or maybe just hang with.

I wish I had learned as a kid that in order to have friends to hang out with when you're older, you need to make friends right when you're that age.

I have a friend who lives a couple blocks from my house and we used to play a lot...at least when I felt like playing. I remember thinking that I didn't want to play with her at her house because I had things to do at my house that were plenty entertaining.

I don't know what those entertaining things were, but I wish I had them right now. It has been a bit of a dull spring break without friends to hang out with.

Kids, listen to this, go play with your friends. You'll need it later on in life.

I regret telling my friend that I didn't want to play with her. And I used to get jealous when she had pool parties that I didn't get invited to. And gee, I wonder why that is. Of course, then again, I don't deserve to go to those parties. I was a rotten kid for not wanting to play with that friend.

This girl and I still talk, but we're not as good of friends as we used to be. We've just kinda gone our separate ways. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn.

I doubt it

I have got to say a thank you to someone right now. I was ranting and raving for a while today to someone and she just took it as she usually does putting in comments where needed. I was just trying to figure things out and she was right there listening. I need to thank one of my best friends, Lexi. Thank you for putting up with me. We have the kind of friendship where one of us will rant and rave and the other will always lend an ear to hear. Last year in physics, one of us always did better on the tests by one point. That was a fun time.

Enough of my sentimental stuff, you may be wondering what exactly I was ranting about. Well I might regret writing this later. Oh well. I need to get it out in the open because it has been bugging me since December. I feel like this rant could hurt some feelings and that's exactly why I didn't want to say anything. It's not meant to hurt feelings. It's meant to let me get some of my hurt feelings out in the open. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings. I don't try to hurt feelings. I hide a lot of how I feel because I fear that I will hurt someone else.

Today was a bad day for doubt. I've been feeling quite doubtful. Now mind you, I wasn't really complaining about youth group (which is good), but I was being rather doubtful about it. It could be worse, I could be comparing it to other youth groups and hence complaining about it, but I wasn't. This all sparked because our youth leader was meeting with our old youth pastor Matt tonight to discuss the 30 Hour Famine and the possibility of mixing youth groups together.

I'm sorry to even admit to it, but I doubted it would happen. I'm sorry I have to say this too. I hoped every time that I heard over the past two years when these youth pastors were coming back to Michigan for whatever purpose that they would come visit us. They never did until December. I always got my hopes up about it, but knew it wouldn't happen.

I knew in December that they had an interview up here in Michigan, but just as before I hoped, but somehow knew they wouldn't come visit us. Then I found out that they were planning on coming to visit us. Now that kinda made me mad. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to have them visit us. I feel kinda like the prodigal son's older brother right now. Why now? Why did you decide to come visit us now?

I shouldn't admit to this one either, but I'm gonna for complete honesty right now as much as I might regret it later. There was a point two months ago when I wished they wouldn't come back to Michigan. I think that's when I went to visit them. It's always hard leaving them after spending time with them, but it didn't take that much for me to get over them this time with being busy with school and stuff. Also I feel for the kids down at their now old church. Maybe it's not the same situation we have at my church, but some of those kids really didn't want them to go. But I'm not gonna complain about God's plans. He knows what's right for all of us. I trust that this was for the best.

Now it comes to today. I doubt they will come chaperone our 30 Hour Famine like everyone is hoping for. I doubt it will happen.

What's wrong with me? Where has the hope gone? I almost think I'm tired of hoping for these things. Maybe I hoped so much in the past that I have no more hope in me.

Somehow my doubt paid off though. Or maybe God is trying to teach me a lesson here. They're bringing 10 kids with them for the 30 Hour Famine in a couple of weeks. I guess I shouldn't doubt things. Of course, our goal is to raise $500 and with my youth group the way they are (I'm not complaining); ok, we just don't get really that excited about raising money. I'm not good at going door-to-door asking my neighbors. I feel weird about it. Maybe that's the girl scout in me talking because we always learned that we weren't supposed to ask our neighbors to buy cookies unless we knew them. Or something like that.

So where did my hope go? I want my hope back. I don't want to doubt things. Like Lexi said, maybe I'm just having an off day. I hope she's right.

Just ok?

How are you doing today?

Not well.

Oh that's good.

Have you ever had a conversation like this? I have. I have had many conversations. This is what my old youth pastor Matt called the "ok" situation. Well, ok, the conversation more so would go like this for being ok.

How are you doing today?

I'm ok.

That's good.

Does anyone take the time to see what deep, dark, miserable things could be in our hearts? Do they even care? I often ask myself that question. I had a similar situation today that got me thinking about this.

I'm not mad at my friend for doing this, but I find the conversation interesting. It went a little like this:

What's going on?

Not a whole lot.

What did you do today?

Nothing, which was kinda nice.

Cool.

Ok, so back to this. Why is the fact that I did nothing cool? I don't understand that. I have a tendency all because of this one lesson that Matt did (thanks a lot Matt) to ask people if they're just ok.

It could be some compassion in my heart. I'm not sure. Whenever I hear someone say they're ok, I have to ask if they're just ok or if they're good. Usually they change their mind after that. Some also tell me what's going on.

I'm a talker I will admit to it. But some of my friends have told me that I'm a good listener. I guess that comes from my exhortation spiritual gift. You can definitely count on me to listen to you and give suggestions. As much as I like to talk, I think being a good listener is better.

Also ever since we had that lesson (once again thanks a lot Matt), I can't just say that I'm ok. I think I fear that someone will ask if I'm just ok. But then they never do. I usually say I'm good, but that could work the same way as ok.

The word "ok" seems to be the middle word. It's between "I'm good" and "I'm bad."

Are you in the middle? Are you just ok? Don't make me get started on being "ok."

April Fools has lost something

There is something about April Fools Day. It has definitely lost something. What? I think it has lost its touch.

It could be because I'm growing up and am so tired of this crazy pranking stuff, but I'm not sure. I like to play a few tricks here and there.

It just doesn't seem so big to me anymore. Well neither does Halloween I guess.

My parents used to tell me that I couldn't do anything to the toilets for April Fools or I would have to clean it up. Gross!

One time I tried to trick my band teacher. But then the whole band found out and someone told my band teacher that I was going to do something, so that made me really mad. But then my friend made me feel better when she hid our teacher's baton and my teacher blamed it on me. My friend also switched places with the tuba player and she played flute. It was super funny.

I haven't really played any tricks this year. I did notice that Youtube was playing movies upside down though. That was pretty cool.

I don't know. I guess April Fools Day just isn't as special anymore. Happy April Fools Day anyways. And merry pranking, I guess.