The call

If you know anything about me, you would know that I have struggled with confidence and self-esteem before. I don't say that I struggle with these as much anymore because a few months ago I actually looked up the definitions and saw that no, I don't think I have the problem anymore.

• Self-Confidence: faith in one's own judgment, ability, etc.
• Self-Esteem: self-respect

Now that I have thought about these things, I don't think I'm actually struggling with these things physically and emotionally.

Now as much as I'm trying to follow Christ, I have a lot of problems with confidence in my spiritual life. That I know of, I've never really felt the call to do something. I know God has a plan for me and I also know I've asked several times for Him to reveal that plan, but I've never really felt the call for anything. Basically I'm not an overly confident person spiritually. I'm actually really freaked out that I'll go into the wrong thing, so that's why I've really been waiting and asking about the plan.

On Sunday night, I don't know what lead me to do this, but after saying prayers for my friends and family (I have to do it that way; no way can I just be totally selfish and pray for myself first, it just doesn't happen that way for me) I asked God as I have recently been doing to reveal His plan to me. But the one thing I said differently was to reveal the plan when I was ready to hear it.

Well yesterday morning, I woke up and I'm not sure if it was the book I've been reading, but I really sensed the call to teach. Teach what? I have no idea, but for the last two days, I've felt like that's what I'm supposed to do.

So, I don't know what I'm going to be teaching yet, I'm a senior, no big deal to me at least. My first few years of college will be general education anyways. There are a million teaching jobs out there. Last year I started to really thinking about going into teaching English class, yeah, that one doesn't sound so interesting anymore with the boring English teacher I have. Oh, did I mention my mom had her for tenth grade and so did one of my other aunts?

You know I've also thought about going into youth ministry before. That's a teaching job right? But if I were to go into this career, like everyone tells me, it must be a call. I know it has to be. I'm not sure if it's all the influence I've had from other youth pastors and leaders that has me on this. I actually don't think about becoming a youth pastor that much anymore. If that's what God wants me to do, then I'll do it. Kinda sorta freaks me out though going into this ministry. I'm not sure why. I think I've mentioned before that one of my highest ranked spiritual gifts is pastor/shepherding. I'm not sure what that means. No I know what it means, but wait...it's teaching too I think I'll say.

Ok before I start to really freak myself out at the idea of becoming a youth pastor (I'm still not really sure why it freaks me out; maybe it's because I don't think I could do all the classes that some of my friends have gone through), I don't know what my exact call is right now; I'm happy with what I've gotten right now and I have faith in God, and as much as we all hate the patience game God likes to play with us, I think I can wait until I'm ready to hear the next step.

God's plans for us go on and on. I don't think we'll ever be completely ready to hear it. We're not perfect. How can we be completely ready for anything?

You know any career plan right now really freaks me out. It's probably because I'm a freshman in a seniors body. That's how I feel. I don't feel ready to leave high school yet. I wish I could go back to my freshmen year. I'm scared!

And as Krystal Meyers sings: It's in God's hands. I trust God though I don't understand.