I doubt it

I have got to say a thank you to someone right now. I was ranting and raving for a while today to someone and she just took it as she usually does putting in comments where needed. I was just trying to figure things out and she was right there listening. I need to thank one of my best friends, Lexi. Thank you for putting up with me. We have the kind of friendship where one of us will rant and rave and the other will always lend an ear to hear. Last year in physics, one of us always did better on the tests by one point. That was a fun time.

Enough of my sentimental stuff, you may be wondering what exactly I was ranting about. Well I might regret writing this later. Oh well. I need to get it out in the open because it has been bugging me since December. I feel like this rant could hurt some feelings and that's exactly why I didn't want to say anything. It's not meant to hurt feelings. It's meant to let me get some of my hurt feelings out in the open. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings. I don't try to hurt feelings. I hide a lot of how I feel because I fear that I will hurt someone else.

Today was a bad day for doubt. I've been feeling quite doubtful. Now mind you, I wasn't really complaining about youth group (which is good), but I was being rather doubtful about it. It could be worse, I could be comparing it to other youth groups and hence complaining about it, but I wasn't. This all sparked because our youth leader was meeting with our old youth pastor Matt tonight to discuss the 30 Hour Famine and the possibility of mixing youth groups together.

I'm sorry to even admit to it, but I doubted it would happen. I'm sorry I have to say this too. I hoped every time that I heard over the past two years when these youth pastors were coming back to Michigan for whatever purpose that they would come visit us. They never did until December. I always got my hopes up about it, but knew it wouldn't happen.

I knew in December that they had an interview up here in Michigan, but just as before I hoped, but somehow knew they wouldn't come visit us. Then I found out that they were planning on coming to visit us. Now that kinda made me mad. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to have them visit us. I feel kinda like the prodigal son's older brother right now. Why now? Why did you decide to come visit us now?

I shouldn't admit to this one either, but I'm gonna for complete honesty right now as much as I might regret it later. There was a point two months ago when I wished they wouldn't come back to Michigan. I think that's when I went to visit them. It's always hard leaving them after spending time with them, but it didn't take that much for me to get over them this time with being busy with school and stuff. Also I feel for the kids down at their now old church. Maybe it's not the same situation we have at my church, but some of those kids really didn't want them to go. But I'm not gonna complain about God's plans. He knows what's right for all of us. I trust that this was for the best.

Now it comes to today. I doubt they will come chaperone our 30 Hour Famine like everyone is hoping for. I doubt it will happen.

What's wrong with me? Where has the hope gone? I almost think I'm tired of hoping for these things. Maybe I hoped so much in the past that I have no more hope in me.

Somehow my doubt paid off though. Or maybe God is trying to teach me a lesson here. They're bringing 10 kids with them for the 30 Hour Famine in a couple of weeks. I guess I shouldn't doubt things. Of course, our goal is to raise $500 and with my youth group the way they are (I'm not complaining); ok, we just don't get really that excited about raising money. I'm not good at going door-to-door asking my neighbors. I feel weird about it. Maybe that's the girl scout in me talking because we always learned that we weren't supposed to ask our neighbors to buy cookies unless we knew them. Or something like that.

So where did my hope go? I want my hope back. I don't want to doubt things. Like Lexi said, maybe I'm just having an off day. I hope she's right.