Full Worship Mode

This morning I got up and was listening to some music as I do most mornings when I get ready for wherever I'm going or whatever I'm doing. I guess when I got up, I wasn't that happy to be up, but I have to get up around 8 now because I have to be at church by 9 to practice with worship band.

Ok getting up wasn't the worship mode I was in. I got into my full worship mode on the car ride to church listening to my favorite station located out of Spring Arbor University, Home.fm. When I was almost there, In The Light by DC Talk popped on and I just started worshiping. When I got to church, I didn't get out of the car right away because I wanted to hear the end of the song, which is definitely a song that you should check out. The song finally ended and I got out of my car ready to worship. I mentioned to my pastor that I was in full worship mode, which could have been a mistake.

Some things are just better left unsaid. Now why do I say that? Well, everyone in the band seemed to be having a rough morning except for me, so me being in full worship mode, my pastor asked if I would pray for the group.

Now, if you know me personally, you will know that I like to talk. I'm a girl, of course I like to talk. I like to give speeches. I like to embarrass myself on camera. I don't like to pray out loud in front of other people. That's a weakness I have.

I might be using this out of context or maybe not, but I try to go by Matthew 6:6.

When you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. Matthew 6:6

One of my biggest fears thinking about it now is praying out loud. There are some things where I could care less what people think, but when I say prayers out loud freestyle (as in not prayers like The Lord's Prayer), I feel kinda embarrassed like I'm going to mess it up somehow or not pray for the right thing. I'm just very uncomfortable praying out loud. I've tried praying a couple of times out loud in front of youth group, but it just comes out sounding silly. Of course, in youth group, it was the times where we were joking around and we shouldn't have been.

Prayer is something I take seriously. But I'm still uncomfortable doing out loud. I would rather pray in a dark room than in a crowd of people. I think I need to work on developing a social prayer life.

I say this because we're supposed to have a prayer retreat in March learning how to have a private prayer life. I kinda have one of those already. I think I need to work on expanding my horizons in church. And don't think I'm selfish and only pray about myself. Actually I have a prayer journal and I pray for a multitude of people. I just don't like to let them know that I'm praying for them. I mean sometimes I will mention it, but I don't want to be like the Pharisee who prays about himself and what he does for the wrong reasons. I want to be humble like the tax collector.

How does anyone get good at praying out loud in front of people? How does anyone get good at anything? I guess by practicing. Put yourself in the uncomfortable situation and just do it. I'm gonna have to try that next time.

You know I wasn't actually having that great of a day at paying attention to things especially the sermon, but something caught my attention. We were talking about living we in a me world.

I don't know how this fits really in the sermon, but the pastor at one point told us not to push people away. It woke me up. I haven't been thinking about how upset I am about youth group since probably last week, but this thought woke me up. When I asked why I have so many issues with youth group, the response out of one of my old youth pastors was that I want youth group to be better. Unfortunately, this group is not all about me and I can't get everything I want. Wait, why am I saying unfortunately? I didn't mean it that way. I just meant that unfortunately I can't get everything I want and thus youth group isn't going to get any better most likely.

So what do I do then? Just go with the flow? Just shut out people? Just hide away? Just stop getting involved?

I now realize that I can't push people away. I mean I can, but I shouldn't. I don't think I could push people away even if I wanted to. I guess I'm stuck going with the flow though. I'm not sure what to do about getting involved though.

I not really in the mood right now to get mad about youth group though. Funny how I can talk about going to youth group and how I really enjoy going and stuff, but then just one little thing will set me off. One little negative remark about how the youth group is going down the drain or something and it sets me off. I gotta start thinking more positively.