Memories Fading

Mondays always seem to be the day I daydream a lot. I don't know why that is. I think some people think I daydream mostly about the future, but as bad as this is, I actually daydream a lot about the past. At this point, I think everyone else is thinking I'm daydreaming about my graduation day. Not really though. I think I daydream so much on Mondays because it's the worst day of the week for me. It's the first day back from the weekend and I'm always exhausted.

I also have a dream I want to share. No, not like an American dream (a project I had to do last year for my American Literature class). I'm talking about what we dream about. I really love studying about the brain and psychology. My favorite part of studying psychology is studying the states of consciousness. For whatever reason (actually I have a real reason), I have been writing down my dreams since December of 2006. I only started doing it because I kept having dreams about my old youth pastors, Matt and Lindsay. Well at the time, they were still my youth pastors. The reason that we came up with for why I was having so many dreams about them, was that I was concerned about them or worried or just thinking a lot about them. And no, I haven't written down my dreams that are only about them. I also write down dreams I've had about band and school. In March, I kept having dreams about college. I used to write down what I had dreamed about for every dream I had. But now I only do it once in a while.

So anyways, back to the dream I had last night. I'm just gonna describe it the way I have it in my journal.

I was in the dining room with my mom. I looked out the window and saw Matt and Lindsay (my old youth pastors) walking up the sidewalk. Lindsay says to Matt, are you sure we shouldn't have called first? They knock and then open the door. I showed Lindsay my room, but first I clean it up. Then later we're walking down a long driveway and Matt says the reason they came was that he had a feeling I needed them right now.

I have so many questions about this dream. But dreams are such a mysterious part of life.

Boy, do I wish sometimes that they would come see me because they feel like I need them or something. Call me a doubter, but I don't think it will happen. But who knows? It's just a dream right? Joseph's dreams came true though.

This may not make sense to you, but it seems to make perfect sense to me. I don't know why I dreamed about them last night. I must have been thinking about them somewhere in the middle of my mind. And thinking about this dream right now, it seems to go along perfectly with this blog.

Lately, I've been trying to remember certain things and I have found it rather hard to do so. For whatever reason, I can't remember certain aspects of the youth group with Matt and Lindsay anymore. Of course, this could be a good thing because last month I was trying to think about something before Matt and Lindsay came and found that my times with Matt and Lindsay were getting in the way.

Am I over them? Hm, I wonder if my blocked memories are telling me something. I'm getting over them. Apparently, my mind isn't rid of them yet since I had a dream about them last night. Frankly I don't think I'll ever be over them. As sad as I am to see the details of those memories go, my brain could be pruning itself and making room for new memories.

Whatever it is, I feel like some of those memories are fading. All I have left seems to be my memories sometimes. I still talk to them and visit them occasionally, but they will never be my youth pastors again. They can call themselves my youth pastors and hey, they are my favorite youth pastors. But technically I'm not in their youth group anymore and so I'm not one of their teens.

Losing these memories kinda makes me sad. I know they're not all gone, but it still makes me sad. It's just a reminder that I don't live in the past. I live in the present where God wants me to live.