A walk down memory lane

I'm not really feeling like this anymore, but a few weeks ago, I took a trip down memory lane as I always do around this time of the year.

When I was in 9th grade I had this friend. She was my neighbor and was a great friend. But then my guy friend (and you have to understand that this guy is like a brother to me), asked her to prom. There were a lot of secrets then. I knew about it I thought before she did, but then she kept the secret from me until the weekend and it was just really messed up. We got into a lot of fights about prom and everything. It's not that I wanted to go to prom or that I had a crush on the guy (come on, he's like a brother to me). I think I have a fear of abandonment. One time on my Battlecry blog, I wrote:

Overwhelmed | Apr 23 2006 6:54 PM

Well, lately I've felt really overwhelmed and depressed, but today I talked to my aunt and she made me feel so much better. I'm still sad, but I'm getting over my feelings and problems. I just needed a friend today. I kinda felt alone abandoned. I cried myself to sleep last night because I was so lonesome. I'm better now.

Then this guy who asked her to prom, wrote a comment replying:

I want you to pick up that cross around your neck and look at it for a while. I want you to think about why you wear it and what it means to you. Then I want you pick up that cross and follow the one that died for you to save your life. I want you to forgive all those that hurt you and to not be afraid of how you feel. Let your friends know how you feel. You are never alone. The ones that loves you is always with you. Your friends love you too and they will always be there for you. All you have to do is ask and you shall receive. Your friends really love you and they will never abandon you. Your family will never abandon you as well. Pick up your cross and be a friend to your friends like Jesus has been a friend to you.

Now at that point, I remember for the first time ever taking my cross off and throwing it across the room. I was really upset. It got worse after the guy told my aunt that I told my friend that I hated her. But I would never say something like that to her. Needless to say, my mom set us up to talk things through, but being the oh so stubborn person I am, I refused, but after a while, I let them into my room and we cried and stuff.

But then it got worse yet. My guy friend invited my friend to a movie night at my church. That was kinda a disaster. They sat together and I sat with some other friends knowing I wouldn't feel like a third wheel with the other friends. I cried over that night too.

And worst of all, they started dating after going to prom together. We had so many fights at the end of that school year especially when we were fighting about drum majors and stuff.

Now it may seem like I have many issues. Believe me, I did when I was a freshman in high school. I may still have some issues today, but not so many as I had when I was in 9th grade. Although my friend has said she has forgiven me, I have never felt like I have been forgiven. Sometimes I want to go up to her and talk to her about it and say how sorry I am for what happened, but I think she's over it. And by the way, she became my drum major last year. It didn't bother me like it would have if I were my same immature self as a freshman. I was happy because I believed she was perfect for the job. Quite honestly I don't really think about this whole prom fiasco too often anymore. It used to haunt me a lot.

A few weeks ago I found out that this same friend got asked out by one of my other guy friends and I was really happy for them. I think they made a cute couple most certainly. I even congratulated them both on it. But I know I'll never really have the same friendship with this girl that we had as freshmen. But maybe I am over it a lot more than I thought I was. I'm a little more confident now with my friends. Most of them I know will not abandon me.

You know this has nothing to do really with this post, but I just thought about it. We all have enemies. Sometimes they disguise themselves as our friends. They build up lots of trust and they can be the best of friends. But then one day all of the sudden they don't want to be your friend anymore. They rip apart your trust in them. The friendship gets ruined. You are so hurt and feel so defeated. They make you feel worthless.

I know what that feels like. In elementary school, I thought I had great friends. But then they also made fun of me. Not only did I have really school bullies picking on me, but my so called friends also picked on me.

I'm almost out of high school now. I'm not really friends with my bullies; actually I think a lot of them moved away. But I'm kinda friends with my so called friends who picked on me when I was at that age. Kids can be so cruel to each other. But you never know what might happen when you get older. You might be friends with those who you used to call friends, but then became your enemies. If I were you, I would forgive them.

So they broke your trust. So they hurt you. So they ruined the relationship. So they made you feel like it was the end of the world and you'd never have anyone to call a friend again. Trust me, it's not the end of the world just yet. Those so called friends are probably hurting too. They need to be forgiven. You don't want to live with that anger all your life. It sucks to feel that way. I know because I've held onto things before that caused me to feel this really bad anger. God doesn't want us to be angry because anger can be a sin. I think holding onto things that God wants you to let go of could be too. So just let it go.

Easier said than done, I know. I have multiple songs on my mp3 player about letting it all go, but when I get really upset I feel like I can't let it go. It feels good though when I finally do let it go. I can just be so stubborn sometimes.

But as hard as it can be, we need to let go of our stubbornness and just forgive those who have hurt us.